A Question of Doubt
by Katieelessar
Summary: ObiWan struggles with doubt after a mission and QuiGon helps him through it. No slash.


_Title: A Question of Doubt_

_Author: Katieelessar_

_Rating: G_

_Category: Drama/General_

_Time Frame: JA, Obi-Wan's 13_

_Characters: Obi-Wan and Qui-Gon_

_Summary: Obi-Wan struggles with doubt after a mission and Qui-Gon helps him through it. No slash._

_Author's Note: I wrote this when I was doubting myself. I nearly stopped writing when this little bunny came along and it implored to write this story. I may not have portrayed Obi-Wan and Qui-Gon perfectly, so bear with me if they act a little out of character. I'm mostly posting it because I want to and it's begging to be read by others :)_

_This story is completely raw from my hand. No beta, not a lot of editing so you'll get the full experience of my 'wonderful' writing. But please enjoy:)_

_Disclaimer: I own allll of this. As evidence I'll show you my nifty 'saber and Jawa collection…sigh Lucas owns it all._

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A Question of Doubt

'Master?'

'Yes, Obi-Wan?'

There was a pause long enough for Qui-Go to glance up from his reading and stare at the taut figure of his Padawan against the background of streaming traffic. They were sitting in one of the observation towers of the Jedi Temple, watching the falling of day and coming of night as the incessant buzz of traffic whizzed by them. Obi-Wan stood at the window, his restlessness evident in his stance. His master, though, seemed perfectly content sitting and reading what ever it was that was on his datapad…at least until this moment when a sudden thought had come to the Padawan and he decided to add some voice to it.

'Do you ever feel trivial, Master?' Obi-Wan asked the question tentatively, like one who touches a piece of clay that can easily turn into sand under the slightest amount of pressure.

'Trivial, Padawan?'

'Well,' he fumbled over the words. 'Not exactly but…do you feel like you always have a purpose? Even now? How are you content with just sitting there while so much is happening around you?'

'Patience, my Obi-Wan. It is patience that keeps me here and the joy of spending a few quiet hours away from the outside world.' He gazed into Obi-Wan's uneasy eyes. 'But that doesn't answer your question does it?'

Obi-Wan slowly shook his head. 'No, Master. It doesn't.'

Qui-Gon let the young boy gather his thoughts again.

'I meant, Master, do you ever feel like—like this is all? That this is all your life will be? A mission, rest and then setting out on another when the time calls?'

'Yes, Obi-Wan. It is the way of the Jedi. We are here to serve and not doubt. We look ahead and never backwards. We strive for peace and justice, even if the process is cyclical or repetitive.' His voice was calm and steady, as if he had recited this many a times before.

'Do you really believe that, Master?'

'I would live by no other way.' Qui-Gon answered and turned his piercing blue eyes to his apprentice's. 'Is something bothering you, my Padawan?'

Obi-Wan shook his head. 'No nothing…but…'

'But what?'

'Well,' He began uneasily, keeping his eyes onto the glowing lights in the streets and sky. 'That's the problem though. Nothing is wrong but it all feels wrong. I feel…strained, Master. I feel…like I've aged a decade within the past few months. And yet I feel so, so trivial to everything that has happened. We have been on more missions than I can count. We have helped people who needed aid desperately, and it really is something I love to do, but I cannot help but feel…disconnected from it all.' He turned to Qui-Gon and gave him a small smile. 'I suppose that doesn't make a lot of sense, does it?'

'No,' Qui-Gon countered gently. 'I understand the way you feel.'

He stood and went over to where Obi-Wan stood by the window. The young man's eyes turned to him and he could now clearly see the uncertainty and faltering in their stormy depths. He placed a hand on the robed shoulder and willed the eyes to stay on his own.

'I understand.' He repeated. 'You've been beleaguered with so much lately you don't know how to deal with it all. You feel lost, even I cannot help you sort through every feeling or experience you've been through. Because of that, you've been doubting yourself, wondering if you are really capable of being a Jedi but at the same time wondering if this is how it will last forever. You know this is your right path but you have doubts. You do not want to speak of those doubts because it is not the way of the Jedi which reinforces your thoughts of if you really are committed enough to ever achieve your goal.' He paused and stared into the wide eyes. 'Is that right?'

Slowly Obi-Wan nodded and, by sheer will power, kept his eyes unflinching from Qui-Gon's piercing gaze.

'Is it…?'

'Is it what, Padawan?'

'Is it wrong to feel this way?'

Qui-Gon removed his hand from Obi-Wan's shoulder and turned his eyes to Coruscant's skylines. His face was illuminated by the white lights of the buildings and traffic which gave his leonine face an almost hallowed appearance. His sharp blue eyes studied everything around him while he struggled to answer his Padawan's question.

'Everyone has doubts. It is up to the person to decide how to deal with them. You may succumb to them and let despair conquer you or you can let them go by…release them. But no,' He turned to the frowning boy. 'It is not wrong to feel doubt.'

'But, Master why does it make me feel so…so trivial?'

'Why does it?'

Obi-Wan bit his lip. 'I don't know why. I have a purpose, dreams and goals but this doubt ever banishes them away.'

'That is your uncertainty speaking.'

'But it's the way I feel.'

'No, Obi-Wan, it's the way you have trained yourself to feel. You must open yourself up and let the doubt and despair flow through you. You must feel it but then, you must let it go.'

'I feel so lost, Master. How do I let that go without finding where I belong?'

'Because you will never find where you belong, your true purpose without letting the doubt go away. Young on, listen to me.'

Qui-Gon suddenly turned back to his Padawan and bent down until their faces were level.

'Your path is as a Jedi. It is who you were meant to be and let nothing else ever make you doubt that.'

'I do not doubt myself as a Jedi, Master. I doubt myself as a person. Whether behind my life as a Jedi I am still someone and not just one of many.'

'Obi-Wan, your actions as Jedi show what a selfless, compassionate person you really are. Your forfeits show that you are dedicated to your life as a Jedi. You are your own person, Obi-Wan. You have your own strengths and weakness, unique to yourself and yourself only. There is no one like you. True, you are a Jedi and we view ourselves as a family of unity but you may also find your own individualism among the equilibrium.'

His words seemed to have finally banished away the small qualm that had circled the boy's heart. Obi-Wan blinked and the cloudy gaze was gone, leaving only with the bright spark he had not seen for many days now.

Had he not noticed until this moment the absence of that spark? When had this happened? How long had Obi-Wan been suffering with this pain without his Master's awareness? Too long, he countered. This boy, this son of his heart, was far too young to be feeling so lost. He was only beginning his steps into his long, hard life and as badly as Qui-Gon wanted to impede some of the pain from staining Obi-Wan's heart, he could not prevent the evitable from occurring. He could only watch and help his Padawan through his experiences. It was his duty as a mentor but also, his duty as a friend.

'I understand now, Master. Everything…everything makes sense now. Thank you.' Obi-Wan gave him one of his rare smiles that could only translate into pure joy and innocence. Qui-Gon smiled back and chuckled.

'You're welcome, my Obi-Wan.' He softened his tone. 'If anything bothers you again, I want you to tell me. As petty as you may find it, I need to know. Is that understood?'

Obi-Wan nodded. 'Yes, Master. I'm sorry. I did not mean to keep this from you.'

'It wasn't your fault.' Qui-Gon replied gently. 'You were only feeling what came naturally to you and didn't know how to react to it. I may look young, but I happen to know a thing or two about how you feel.' He chuckled when Obi-Wan snorted in disbelief.

'I can hardly believe that.' The young man laughed as he ducked a swat aimed at his head. He watched with sparkling eyes as Qui-Gon stood straighter and gazed at the night. He hesitated for a moment before asking his small request.

'Master?'

'Hmm?'

'W—will you meditate with me?' He asked shyly and Qui-Gon turned to him with a small smile on his lips.

'Of course, young one.'

The Master and Padawan walked over to the thick carpet and sat cross-legged, facing each other before closing their eyes and opening themselves up to the warm embrace of the Force. As Obi-Wan felt the cool waves caress his relieved mind he smiled

_There is no emotion, there is peace._

The End

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_A/N: Reviews (nice ones!) are welcome. No flames, plleeeaasseee. I hope you enjoyed:)_


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